Health jokes
Why didn't the teddy bear want to go to the gym?
Because he didn't want to get ripped.
Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.
Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.
Me: How do you know that?
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.
Guess why Stephen died?? Because his wife forgot to put him on charge at night.
It doesn’t make much sense why autistic kids run down the hall screaming racecar noises.
I mean, they aren’t in wheelchairs, so I don’t know why they do it.
I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.
I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.
What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.
What do you call a basketball player with erectile dysfunction?
Tragic Johnson.
Anthony Blinken's life sucks, and getting COVID-19 positive is the only positive thing that ever happened in his entire life!
Why did the director have an injured leg? Cause he couldn't find the right cast.
My therapist said time heals all wounds. I stabbed him. Now we wait...
If your corona test shows two lines, is that then positive or negative?
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Why couldn’t Billy go to school today?
The bus driver hit Sally.
Symptoms of Schizophrenia
The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:
Delusions
Hallucinations
What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.
Time heals all wounds. Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
Why'd the rubber go flying across the room?
Because it got pissed off!
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.
Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.
What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?
A blood bath.