Age jokes

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye, matey!

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.

What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday?

Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 murdered 37 children and 41 adults during the ages of 31-35 years old.

She was then sentenced to a 35 year sentence (Colombian stuff) and came out 70 years old. She then continued to go on a spree and murder 41 more people, in 2 months. 3 years later, 6 stabbed 7 as they were friends. 6 was not sentenced, but deemed a hero. He never forgets that moment. Her soul not floating above, but screaming from the torture it's receiving.

A man is standing on the side of the road, waiting to cross, when another man stands alongside him. The first man says, "I have been waiting to cross here for ages. It's impossible to cross."

The second man says, "There is a zebra crossing up the road." He said, "I hope he is having better luck than I am!"

As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.

My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."

What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?

Slick her hair back, she looks 15.

What’s the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

There’s twenty of them!

Is it weird that a milk carton has a date, and I don’t?

I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

What store has the most vegetables?

A nursing home.

Your momma is so old, when she went to the antique store, they wouldn't let her leave.

Why can’t orphans watch Netflix?

Because they don't know what age rate they are...

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

Yo mama's so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.