An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking “Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.
Dark humor jokes never get old, just like dead babies… I should know, considering they haven’t aged since I put them in my basement. Bet you thought that joke was over, just like how black people thought racism was over.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
So I’m banging the f... out of this slutty chick, right? And I’m thinking to myself, “She’s PROBABLY got AIDS.” So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I’m positive. This gets me thinking, “Where the f... does an eight year old get AIDS?!” “Who has my sister been hanging out with?!”
Old man goes to the doctor. The doctor says “The test results are back, and I’m sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”. The old man says “Phew! At least it’s not cancer!”