Age jokes

3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.

Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"

Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"

Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."

Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.

Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"

Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"

A father tells his 10-year-old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.

What's the difference between milk and a cancer patient?

There's none, they both don't age well.

Did you hear about the new P. Diddy meal in McDonald's? It's a 56-year-old meat inside a 12-year-old bun.

World leaders are so old, they've got nostalgia for the Cambrian explosion.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.

Did you hear? There is a new toy for boys ages 2-10. It's called Jackson. A tiny white doll, with black Jackson. Get it while supplies last.

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?

I've never been inside a submarine.

An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

It's often said that people peaked in high school.

I think Trump peaked in kindergarten.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.

Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?

My grandad and your hairline go way back.

I like my women like I like my scotch:

12 years old and mixed with coke.

Political correctness has gone too far! You have to say "cognitive decline" rather than "Alzheimer's ridden shitbag"!

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!

What do you call a 90-year-old black man?

Antique farming equipment.