Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

A man walks into a bar, he takes a seat and asks the barmen if he wanted to hear a blonde joke, the barmen replies before you tell this joke I want to tell you something, see the women over there, she is a black belt in karate, she’s blonde , see the bouncer over there he is also a blonde, see the chick over there with that pool que she is also blonde, also I have a shotgun behind the bar i’m blonde, so do you still want to tell your joke? He replies f**k that I ain’t explaining the joke 4 times.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

How many times does 43 go into 8?

Get in the van and find out

School shooting happens

Foreign exchange student: Sobbing under desk

American student: “First time?”

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

i hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though i think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldnt wanna hurt your funny bone, but i think your starting to get BONELY so ill stop pulling your leg. Now get out before i give you a bad time.

The number 13? Not on my watch

My grandfather was there when the titanic sank…he shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they Finally kicked him out of the movie theater…haha

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

In my spare time I help blind children. – I mean the verb, not the adjective.

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.

Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? – A barber.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? – A waist of time.

A blind man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender replies with, “I’m blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde.” Then says “Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?” the blind guy responds with "No I don’t wanna tell it that many times.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

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