Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
What do you call an orphan's family reunion? "Me time."
*School shooting happens*
Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk*
American student: "First time?"
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven".
The first guy says "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times". The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says "11 years and only once" and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says "20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart" and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".
The guy looks up and says "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard"
Why did the boy 👦 throw the clock 🕒 out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
My grandfather was there when the titanic sank..he shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they Finally kicked him out of the movie theater............haha
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty three times.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What time is it when you walk in to the wall ? Time to get to bed 🛏
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
The number 13? Not on my watch
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby we didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used too, but don't anymore.
Person: why'd you stop?
Me: unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
im not suicidal im just speedrunning life
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
