Aed jokes
How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?
There is sperm on the screen.
Yo Mama so fat that when she took a photo of herself to get it printed out, it took 15 years to finish!
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
A man went to a Ford dealership hoping to find a car, but he said they weren't affordable.
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.
I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.
How does a kid with no arms or legs like a video on YouTube when they say smash the like button?
They literally smash the like button "uuuuuugghghhhgBANG!"
Why is 3 such a helpful number? Because 3 helped out on a science project 4 5!
What's a duck's favorite drug?
Cwack.
What does a Jamaican guy say to an Asian?
Poke me, mon.
So, if she gargles your cum, is that a jacuzzi daycare?
It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
What does a South African Batman wear? A cape.
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.