Aed jokes
Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?
A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.
Why?
The kid had no legs.
I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?
Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?
Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)
What do you call a male robot who wants to be a girl?
A trans-former.
Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.
I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
Your forehead is like a line, it just keeps going.
What do you say after making fun of a disabled person?
"Sorry, I didn't mean to step on your toes."
What does an Irish bowler put in his hands to guarantee a wicket next ball?
A bat.
What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?
"Why not you stand up for yourself?"
You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"
Roses are red, Your mum's a queer, Fucking hell, Can’t get out of first gear!
When you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. When you turn 16, you get a DM from Prince Andrew.
Why did the duck get arrested?
He tried to quack a safe.
Why can’t orphans play poker? Because they don’t know what a full house is.
One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"
A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar, just kidding.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Puerto Rican!"
Then the blonde replies, "OMG, you dirty little slut! How many is a Puerto Rican?"