Aed jokes

I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

"Everywhere."

A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.

Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.