Aed jokes

I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

"Everywhere."

A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"