I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging
My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh this, I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.
I hate these double standards.
if you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job" if you do it at home you're "destroying evidence"
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
A man gats kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon" next to all of the chalk outlines
Fuck it suicide is wrong but if you jump off a bridge and yell parkor its a failed stunt
What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.
My family is like a treasure...
You need a map and shovel to find them.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting
What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, your f**ked.
My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
