Duck jokes
What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.
Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.
What can a duck eat for a snack? Saltine quackers!
Why was the duck arrested?
Because it was caught selling quack.
What do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?
A Peking duck.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt-quack.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the microwave until his bill Withers.
A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.
The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.
The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.
The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"
The bartender agrees without hesitation.
The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.
"WTF!" the man shouts.
The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"
Why can’t baby ducks lay eggs? Because their quacks are too small.
Three men walk into a bar. You would think the 3rd one would have ducked! 😅
Elephant
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”
The other day this duck came by the gas station. He asked the cashier, "Do you have any duck food here?"
The cashier said, "Hell naw, I got no damn duck food. This the gas station, not no damn swamp, and I ain't ya mama."
Then the duck asked him two more times, and then the cashier said, "For the last time, no, I don't have any duck food here for you, ok? If you ask me again, I will put you in the oven and deep-fry you like Kentucky Fried Chicken."
One day, a chicken went to the nail store. He asked the "owner" where the shampoo was. "BRO IM NOT THE FRIKKIN MANAGER!" the guy said. So the duck walked away.
The next day he went back to the store and asked a pregnant lady why she was so fat. The lady punched him and ran away. The duck cried. Then he went to the lady's husband and said that he must be tired of being married since she punches people every day. The man punched him. The duck assumed they were the punching couple. The duck walked, and then fell in a ditch and stayed there to die. The pregnant lady and her husband were very pleased >:) muhahahahahahaha
I have a taste for some roast duck until the feathers will pop right out and say, "Quack, quack."
Why did the duck not enjoy his restaurant date?
Because he didn't want to see the bill.
Why did the duck walk across the road? I lost my pecker!
Yo mama so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.
What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quack head!
My mom must be a duck then...
Why did the little girl cry twice?
Because you wiped your shitty bloody duck on her favorite teddy bear.