Aed jokes

Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.

Students: Hiding under desk.

Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!

What do you call a cat that walks slowly?

CATerpillar

When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.

What is an astronaut's favorite button? A space bar.

Why did the 18-year-old girl need a ladder to go to school?

Because it was High School.

Why do cats like to sleep on the floor?

'Cause it's a car-PET.

What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?

Cat-egories.

Get it?

Hey Gwen, listen, I know you're on this app, fake or not. I love you either way. Please find this faker and finish her off for what she's done, real Gwen.

*You're a real best Gwen*

Are you a plane? Because I wanna be in control of you for a few hours.

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

What do you call it when a man gets high in Panera Bread?

Panera sped.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

I am not making a noose; I am making an unsubscribe button for life.

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

I pushed a disabled kid down a busy road and yelled out, "Mario Kart!"

If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?