Aed jokes
When recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.
Conversely, you can recycle a condom quite easily: just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
In the morning, I become a cereal killer. Stepped on a corn flake.
Then there was the run-in with a pair of orphaned Rice Krispies. Snap. Crackle. No pop.
I've been taken into custody as a cereal offender and am about to be put on trial in Food Court. I fully expect them to sentence me to Life.
When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.
What's a game a paraplegic kid can't play?
Hopscotch.
I went to help an amputated girl, but she didn't have a hand for me to grab.
Kid: "LOOK OUT! A KILLER BEE!!!"
(B)
OKAY.
If a girl is vegan and she's dating a transgender person, does that mean she's eating fake meat too?
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
When you're sad, don't feel down about yourself. Break a leg, and you'll forget all about it.
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator.
What's a cancer patient's favorite food?
Kentucky Fried Chemotherapy
How are Jews and potatoes different?
A potato keeps its skin.
Danny just bought a new game from Steam for a penny.
About one hour later, Danny asks his mother: "Mom, I am not able to start the game."
Mom asked, "Why?"
Danny answers: "It says 'Press any key' on the screen, but I can't find an 'Any' button on my keyboard."
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
How do fat people settle arguments?
By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.
Q. Who do you call when a baby with anencephaly is born? A. The funeral home.
Q. What do you call a baby with anencephaly? A. Anything you want, it's not like it's gonna answer you.
What do you call a Vietnamese antivirus scanner?
An-Thi-cho-rho-na.
What does Meg do when she gets a cold sore?
She bathes in diarrhea.