My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband’s friend walks over and says,

“Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector.

“He thought he was having his picture taken.”

What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

You’d think it’d be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Why does the heart ♥️ listen to music 🎶 a lot? Because it loves feeling the beat.

Man: whats up? Me: im annoyed Man: Why? Me: I stole my gf’s heart Man: So why are you annoyed? Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks

Why didn’t the skeleton play football?

His heart wasn’t in it!!

When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path. Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.

My heart is like a plane. It crashes every once in a while.

The Breakfast Couples: (Bacon)-Don’t go bacon my heart (Egg)-I couldn’t if I fried

don’t break someones heart because they only have one, instead break there bones… they have 206.

If stephen hawking has a heart attack do u take him to halfords or a&e

Mary’s mother was a good person why did she die? -because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you ♥️.

The greatest Doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack, and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,

“People need me for my excellent medicine!” and jumps out. The smart man grab one and shouts,

“People are in need of my great knowledge!” and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,

“You are to young. Take the final parachute and go.” The geek instead says,

“No, there are two parachutes left, the ‘smart’ one took my backpack.”

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