Heart

Heart Jokes

Marriage

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Dead Body

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

  • 2
  • Parachute

    The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,

    "People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,

    "People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,

    "You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,

    "No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."

    Bone

    Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.

    Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

  • 5
  • Man

    Man: What's up?

    Me: I'm annoyed.

    Man: Why?

    Me: I stole my gf's heart.

    Man: So why are you annoyed?

    Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

  • 2
  • Heart Monitor

    We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

    Pirate

    What is a pirate's favorite letter?

    You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

    Slap

    The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

    The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

    Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

    So the Pope slapped him.

    Music

    Why does the heart listen to music a lot?

    Because it loves feeling the beat.

    Obesity

    One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

  • 3
  • Jesus

    The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

    Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

    Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

    Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

    The teacher says, “How do you know this?”

    Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””

  • 6
  • Heaven

    Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

    The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

    The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

    The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

    Body Part

    I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

    Love

    I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

    Self Harm

    My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

    And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

    Boy

    Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

    I keep it in a jar on my desk.

    Crime

    me: I'm going to steal your heart.

    her: omg that's so romantic!!

    me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)