History

History Jokes

Mummy

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

Train Driver

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

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  • Hand Grenade

    My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

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  • Hitler

    Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

    women's rights

    I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."

    Surname

    Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...

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  • Constitution

    Thomas Jefferson’s 80th b-day bash be like:

    Jackson: "CALHOUN! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME - IN BED WITH THE CONSTITUTION??"

    Blanket

    My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

    Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

    All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ

    Family

    Simpsons.

    Meet the Simpsons.

    They're the greatest modern family.

    From the town of Springfield.

    They're a page right out of history.

    Jenga

    I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 9/11 documentary.

    Salad

    How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

    Stab it twenty-three times.

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  • Mom

    What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

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  • Christmas

    Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

    Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.