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My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Russian history in 5 words: “And then things got worse.”

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

Q: What did I find on my son’s search history. A:Where is the nearest gun shop.

history teacher: They had a temporary cure for the disease , but it would be years before the found a cure for life. Student: I need that.

“I don’t want to go on my at home history.” -my friend, anon 2019

The greatest playwright in history found he couldn’t use lances. He could only use Shake-spears.