Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."
Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...
What is Hitler's favorite game?
Nahtzee.
Do you know why God created wars? To teach Americans geography.
Thomas Jefferson’s 80th b-day bash be like:
Jackson: "CALHOUN! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME - IN BED WITH THE CONSTITUTION??"
My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. ( ╹▽╹ )
Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (◍•ᴗ•◍)
All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ◡ಠ
Simpsons.
Meet the Simpsons.
They're the greatest modern family.
From the town of Springfield.
They're a page right out of history.
I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 9/11 documentary.
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
Your hairline's so far back even Rosa Parks refused to sit there.
Your hairline is so far back I learned about it in history class.
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?
Who else would think of adding gas?
What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."
Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?
Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.
