History jokes

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

Do you know why God created wars? To teach Americans geography.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."

What is Hitler's favorite game?

Nahtzee.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...

Where did Hitler send kids with ADHD?

Concentration camp.

What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded?

I can Nazi!

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is just a scoreboard.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.

We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.