My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Russian history in 5 words: “And then things got worse.”

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

What’s black and white

History

I was in social studies class and I was taking an exam and I couldn’t Remember a lot of the information and everyone looked up shocked. A white kid holding a gun said “your about to become history”. I almost forgot that we weren’t supposed to have any lessons that day.

What is black and white? Probably Mexican History

Q: What did I find on my son’s search history. A:Where is the nearest gun shop.

IN our history class we were on our China unit and learning a little about gunpowder. And I said “WOAH THAT’S LIT!”

history teacher: They had a temporary cure for the disease , but it would be years before the found a cure for life. Student: I need that.

The History of the Star Spangled Banner. By Jose Cannusee

The greatest playwright in history found he couldn’t use lances. He could only use Shake-spears.

Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I’m so very sorry everyone, I punch the wrong buttons and we are heading to DC instead of New York and we are about to run out of fuel. He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, “I’ve parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers.” He jumps off.

Donald faced the other four and orders:

“I’m the greatest leader of the world and I’ll make the decision. Tony you go first, our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging.” Tony jumps off.

Francis,my friend, you go next, pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir’s and Xi’s for me." Francis jumps off.

Hillary faced faced Donald furiously. “Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I’m the smartest woman in the whole world in history.” Hillary jumps off.

Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: “I’m an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I’ve become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I’ve made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I’ve played more golf and …”

Greta interrjected, “Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let’s go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!”

“I don’t want to go on my at home history.” -my friend, anon 2019