Medical jokes
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters
'PNEIS'
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.
So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.
To the guy who stole my depression medication,
I hope you're happy.
Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)
What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?
The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.