Medical jokes

When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)

What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?

The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.

The Queen: "I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old that my pussy is haunted!"

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

I wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor. I need some parts for my laptop.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.

I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Ralphie: They put drugs in our medication?

Me: The medication is the drugs.

Why did the cucumber go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well!

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"