Ups jokes

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

Why was the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it wanted to look up a 10 year old girl’s skirt.

Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.

Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.

Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?

'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.

Why did the girl 👧 bring lipstick 💄 to beauty school?

Because she had a make-up exam.

I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.

What goes up must come down, apart from Mr. Vyse.

Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.

Guy: Robin

Bank owner: Your last name?

Guy: Debank

Bank owner: Robin Debank?

Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

Why are eggs bad at puns?

They always mix up their yolks!

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.

Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D

I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"

Life has ups and downs, and they had downs.

There's nothing else that can beat up dog.

What's up, dog?

Just my depression!

There is a Mexican, white guy, a Jew, and a Black man on top of the Empire State Building.

First, the Mexican and the Jew throw themselves off of the building saying, "This is for my people!"

Then the Black man is next up to jump and says, "This is for my people!"

And throws the White man off of the building.