Ups jokes
Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.
David: Isn't that illegal?
Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.
David: I hate my life.
When you are sleeping in class and the shooter sees you, then they wake you up and say, "Let’s team up," like, what the f*ck?
Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!
You: Why? I don't have any.
I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!
When will delusional Christians grow up and realize their fairy tales aren't based in reality?
Kate: Can we have a threesome?
Trevor: Sure.
The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
If I ever stuff up a post, please let me be. I do have ADHD, short-term memory disorder, and dyscalculia, so please remember that no one likes to be picked on for things that they can't control.
Anyone up for some Fortnite?
Yo mama is so fat, she got mixed up with Godzilla!
Why do disabled people always get picked on?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.
That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.
If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.
Why was the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it wanted to look up a 10 year old girl’s skirt.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.