Ups jokes
How do you make a body disappear?
You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!
P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.
Did you know emo kids are the highest jumpers in the world? Some are still up there!
Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."
*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"
A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"
Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"
Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."
Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.
Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.
I mess up goats for unicorns?
Jimmy the Unicorn or goat.
I don't even know.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked at the mirror, I cracked up.
Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?
'Cause they just wash up onshore.
When the ugliest cat looked at you, then you search up the ugliest thing in the world, you show up.
Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"
My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!
Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.
Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?
"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."
Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now youâre fatter than me."
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.