Ups jokes

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"

Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"

Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."

Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"

Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.

Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.

I mess up goats for unicorns?

Jimmy the Unicorn or goat.

I don't even know.

Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked at the mirror, I cracked up.

Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?

'Cause they just wash up onshore.

When the ugliest cat looked at you, then you search up the ugliest thing in the world, you show up.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?

"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."

Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."

I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."

When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.

What fell first, the feather or the depressed kid?

Q: The feather, the depressed kid is still up there.

A boy tried to give a tree a high-five, but instead, he ended up hanging.

This is not a joke, nor did I come up with it.

If somebody calls you ugly, just hug them and say, "Life must be hard for you since you have visual impairment!"