Christmas jokes

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

Why did the silly boy take the Christmas tree to a barber?

Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.

What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday?.... Christmas because everything is hanging.

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.

The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.

What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)

When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

What first went through Sally's head when the Nazis came? A bullet.

Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded? Everywhere.

What did Sally get for Christmas? A bike.

Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."

Why don't Chinese kids celebrate Christmas?

Because they make the toys.

I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.