Ups jokes

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

Anyone up for some Fortnite?

If I ever stuff up a post, please let me be. I do have ADHD, short-term memory disorder, and dyscalculia, so please remember that no one likes to be picked on for things that they can't control.

Yo mama is so fat, she got mixed up with Godzilla!

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

Why do disabled people always get picked on?

Because they can’t stand up for themselves.

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.

What goes up must come down, apart from Mr. Vyse.

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.

Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?

'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.

Why did the girl 👧 bring lipstick 💄 to beauty school?

Because she had a make-up exam.

The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.

Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.