Ups jokes

When you are sleeping in class and the shooter sees you, then they wake you up and say, "Let’s team up," like, what the f*ck?

Hey, I got some Domino's pizza, salad, breadsticks, and chicken wings for everyone. Yeah, but make sure Ms. Mandingo gorilla don't eat all up, because if she do, I'm going have to shove it up her fur.

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

I watch sexy girls AMV and my pp goes up and down and up.

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.

Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

Anyone up for some Fortnite?

If I ever stuff up a post, please let me be. I do have ADHD, short-term memory disorder, and dyscalculia, so please remember that no one likes to be picked on for things that they can't control.

Yo mama is so fat, she got mixed up with Godzilla!

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

Why do disabled people always get picked on?

Because they can’t stand up for themselves.

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.

Guy: Robin

Bank owner: Your last name?

Guy: Debank

Bank owner: Robin Debank?

Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.