Tool jokes
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
What is the difference between me and a knife?
The knife has a point.
Where do sheep go to shop? Shears.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
How do you surprise a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
What does Drake call his rake?
Da-Rake.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Thumb nails.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
How do you fit a hundred babies into a small bucket?
With a blender.
Why did the rapper bring a shovel to the studio?
Because he was digging for those UNDERGROUND BEATS!
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What does a plug do when he's horny?
He jacks off!