Tool jokes

“Which tool,” Andrea Bocelli asks Chris Doemges, “fits best in the mailbox?”

Doemges: “Probably the flathead screwdriver!”

Why don't you use a dull pencil?

Because there's no point. 😐😑😑

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

What kind of fruit can fix your sink?

A plum-ber.

What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?

One is a tool. The other is your mom.

Why did the guy bring a rope to the party?

Because he wanted to hang out... permanently. 💀😈

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.

Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

What’s a rapper’s favorite tool?

A mic wrench.

Why did the hip-hop artist always carry a pencil?

For those FREESTYLE DRAFTS!

Why did the rapper bring a shovel to the studio?

Because he was digging for those UNDERGROUND BEATS!

What did the rapper say to his BROKEN PENCIL?

"You broke the beat!"

I'd call BlessedBrian a tool, but at least a tool serves a purpose.

When can an elephant use an umbrella and not get wet?

When it's not raining.

What's the difference between me and a knife?

One has a point, and the other doesn't.

Why do they call matches, matches?

They all look the same.

Yo mama so fat that you need a jack stand to get her up.