Why did the guy bring a rope to the party?
Because he wanted to hang out... permanently. 💀😈
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.
Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.
Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
What’s a rapper’s favorite tool?
A MIC WRENCH
Why did the hip-hop artist always carry a pencil?
For those FREESTYLE DRAFTS!
Why did the rapper bring a shovel to the studio?
Because he was digging for those UNDERGROUND BEATS!
What did the rapper say to his BROKEN PENCIL?
"You broke the beat!"
I'd call BlessedBrian a tool, but at least a tool serves a purpose.
When can an elephant use an umbrella and not get wet?
When it's not raining.
What's the difference between me and a knife?
One has a point, and the other doesn't.
Why do they call matches, matches?
They all look the same.
Yo mama so fat that you need a jack stand to get her up.
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.
What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
"Ouch!"
"What's wrong?"
"I stepped on a screw."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"
