Tool jokes
What do you call a sharpened pencil? You call a sharpened pencil a sharpened pencil.
What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?
A sinkers bar.
What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?
They both have cutting marks.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Really feeling suicidal is basically having a mental breakdown, but realizing you have nothing nice and sharp to use.
How does a rapper clean his house?
With a LIL' SCRUB.
Penis, neck, rope?
What do you call a baby with red curry fried hair?
A baby using a potato peeler and a comb.
What kind of fruit can fix your sink?
A plum-ber.
I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.
How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.
What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What’s bad about swinging a dead baby above your head?
Stopping it with the shovel!
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
Community talk
Listen up, you tools.
The hamster is launching "Worst Jokes Jokes TV" 24/7. I know the guy - it's going to be total garbage for people with no hobbies. The rodent babbles trash while you stare blankly. Anyone watching this has officially hit rock bottom.
Fits your empty heads perfectly.
Hey Julie, heard you got that wet, wet, wet Something for my neck, neck, neck Hey Julie, heard you got that drip, got that drip Something for my wrist, for my wrist Hey Julie Ooh, hey Julie Yeah, hey Julie, heard you got that drip, drip, drip, drip Yeah, something for my wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist Paparazzi sound like flick, flick, flick, flick (Flick flick, flick flick) Nikon, I'm an Icon like Will Smith kid, yeah M… Read more
I think we should rid of or change microwaves! They are very misleading to young children! When you put 30 twice, it goes to 1:00. Whats that teaching children?!?! 30+30=100?! Wrong. That is not a harmless misunderstanding — it directly contradicts how we teach arithmetic. Children are pattern learners. When a machine visibly rewards an incorrect pattern, the brain stores it. This is not neutral. It is misleading. S… Read more