A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
What did MC Hammer say to Michael Jackson?
"U Can't Touch Kids."
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
What do you call a frozen communist?
Hammer and popsicle.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
Would love to pound Sterling with a 14 lb hammer.
What does a construction worker say to another construction worker?
Screw you!
If someone with a lisp dropped a hammer on their foot, would they be Thor?
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
Hot shingles in your neighborhood wanting to get nailed.
Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.
Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”
[god creating sharks] god: ok give them 3 rows of teeth. Angel: seems excessive but ok. God: and make them mean as hell. Angel: wtf y. God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO. Angel:.... god: and make one of the types have a hammer for a head angel: why do I still work for you? God: because I’m the only employer as of right now.
What do you do after raping a deaf mute eight-year-old girl? Smash the little bitch's hands with a hammer so she can't tell her mum.
What’s an emo kid's favorite wood working tool? A chop saw!
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
How did the carpenter do on his interview? He nailed it!
