Tool jokes

What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

“Which tool,” Andrea Bocelli asks Chris Doemges, “fits best in the mailbox?”

Doemges: “Probably the flathead screwdriver!”

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.

How do you fit a hundred babies into a small bucket?

With a blender.

What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?

A baby playing with a scalpel.

How do you fit 53 babies into a box?

First get a blender...

What is Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun.

So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.

"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

How do you fit 15 babies into a shoe box?

A blender.

How do you get them out of the shoe box? A straw.

How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.

How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

What is white, then red, and is very fast?

My chainsaw blade.

How do you fix a broken gorilla?

With a monkey wrench.

What was the most useful tool in the 17th century?

Slaves.

I still remember my granddad's last words,

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Thumb nails.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.

What's the difference between an orphan's life and a knife?

A knife has a point.