Tool jokes
This joke is like a vacuum cleaner... it sucks.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them, with fuck.
The circular saw asked the chainsaw, "When am I as big as you?"
The chainsaw would answer with, "When you cut down some things in your life. Like your owner."
The circular saw would reply with, "What?"
The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.
What do you call an opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
How do you count cows with a cowculator?
Your hairline's so far back, I use it as a ruler to measure things.
Q: What's the best way to carve wood?
A: Whittle by whittle.
What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
I have a match!
My ass, your face.
Q: What's the difference between a knife and a razor blade?
A: Depends on which wound bleeds faster.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
I remember my grandfather's last words:
"Are you holding the ladder?"
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.
[Chorus 2x]
Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus]
And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
My four conditions:
1. I need coffee.
2. I need vacation.
3. I need food.
4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.
Are you a rope? Cause I'm tryna put you around my neck 😏
Why did the hip-hop artist always carry a pencil?
For those FREESTYLE DRAFTS!
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.