Screwdriver jokes

What’s an emo kid's favorite wood working tool? A chop saw!

Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.

“Which tool,” Andrea Bocelli asks Chris Doemges, “fits best in the mailbox?”

Doemges: “Probably the flathead screwdriver!”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.

The bartender asks him why.

And the pirate says:

"Argh, It's driving me nuts."

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.