Tool jokes
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.
What is the difference between me and a knife?
The knife has a point.
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?
A sinkers bar.
What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.
Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
The shovel is a ground breaking invention.
*Slaps and laughs*