I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?
A sinkers bar.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
The shovel is a ground breaking invention.
*Slaps and laughs*
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.
What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.
