Tool jokes
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
Memes
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
What is the difference between me and a knife?
The knife has a point.
My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?
A sinkers bar.
What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
The shovel is a ground breaking invention.
*Slaps and laughs*
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.