Safety jokes
I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"
Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"
What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.
Where is the cheapest gun range? Your local public school.
What is big, yellow, and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?
Because their phone exploded the towers.
I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.
I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.
If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.
Students: Hiding under desk.
Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!
Why did two red heads fall off the plane? Because they were so damn blind.
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
Then: You want free candy?
Now: You want free Wi-Fi?
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
Why did the chicken cro-
UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?
He was lucky it was a soft drink!
President Joe Biden was jogging through some different jogging paths around this great county we live in and was jogging through Alabama and fell off into a swamp filled with killer alligators, and these 3 boys named Willie, Roman, and Little Johnny saw him fall in and jumped in and drug him to safety, and the president was like "Thank you, thank you, thank you SOOO much. I'm gonna give you boys a reward for saving my life," and asks them what their names were and what they wanted. The first boy said, "My name's Willy, and I want to go to Disneyland," and the president said, "No problem, and I'll take you personally." The 2nd boy said, "My name's Roman, and I want an autographed pair of Air Jordan Nikes," and the president said, "No troubles at all," and the 3rd boy says, "My name's Little Johnny, and I want a power wheelchair with an awesome stereo and killer wheels," and the president says, "You don't look handicapped, Little Johnny," and Little Johnny said, "I'm not, but as soon as I tell my parents who I saved, I will be"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣