"Zre, um, be careful when using a gun, okay? And meh not fat, boy."
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
"kys" (keep yourself safe).
Why was the American kid late to school?
Because he was too busy putting on his bulletproof vest.
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?
He was told to high-jack it.
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
More cops died from COVID than anything else last year, hahahaha.
They should have shot COVID instead of Tyrone on the microphone, lmfao.
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the USA.
2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
I have fun going on them roller coasters that go really high up and sitting by random people, and once we get to the high point, I look at the stranger and go "wham" and unplug their seat belt.
A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
I was looking forward to some toast...
So I took the toaster in the bath with me.
How can a man make the world safer?
By having the chop.
What's rap boats got in common with plastic bags? They both a danger to young children.
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
One day, Billy cow wandered off to the railroad tracks where his mother always told him not to go. His mother asked him where he had gone when he got home. He replied that he was just going for a graze. His neighbor later told his mother he had saw him at the railroad tracks. What would you call Billy cow now?
Ground Beef.
Dead people can’t cross the street because they're dead, ha ha!
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
