Safety jokes
You were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
What’s long, yellow, and doesn’t float?
A school bus filled with children.
I usually don’t make school shooting jokes.
Because they’re aimed at a younger audience.
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Stop hating on pedos; at least they drive slow in a school zone, smh 🤣
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
School shooting: Happens.
Foreign Exchange Student: Starts sobbing under desk.
American Student: "First time?"
You were born on the freeway, you know why?
Because that's where a lot of accidents happen. 😈
What's worse than 10 babies in a truck?
One baby in 10 trucks.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common? They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.