What do you call a school bus driver that keeps going to sleep? A monster.
What do you call a wet condom?
A wet condom.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.
When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.
When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.
When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.
Why did the parachute refuse to open?
Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!
Why are planes the most dangerous killers?
Because they killed 2,996 people in 10-25 minutes.
What is red and puts out fire?
If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.
Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.
Hey guys, I have a question.
Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?
Stop sign: If you speed, I'll call your parents.
Orphans: Going 180.
Why are orphans afraid of your orphanage?
Because I burnt it down!
Why do I love a block? Because I can fall off the stairs.
What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?
They always line up.
What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?
Push 'em.
I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?
What is the biggest fear of firefighters?
Burnout at work.
How do you stop a school shooter from killing you?
Tell him you don’t believe in dog.
