Safety jokes
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children.
Q: What happens to KID who NAPs near a stranger?
A: He gets KID-NAPPED (kidnapped).
Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!
Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case he had to drop some BOMBS.
Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
What do you call a criminal?
Disarmed and dangerous.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
Why do I love a block? Because I can fall off the stairs.
Today we had the best adventure ever! We started playing in the yard and doing ramps in a party van!
It all started when Timmy and I were playing in the yard and a white rusty van drove up to our yard. A nice man told us to get in. We said we would love to go, but our mommies wouldn't want us to go. The man said your mommies told me it was OK to come.
We hopped in the back and sped away super fast! The man gave us some candy, but Timmy and I were not hungry, so we didn't eat it. We saved it for later. After a while, I was wondering where we were going. I was about to ask the man, but then there was a whooping sound and some flashing blue lights! "Hey they want to party with us!" Timmy yelled over the whooping. "Party van!" I yelled.
Timmy and I started dancing and whooping and the van began driving faster, doing crazy race car stunts, and jumps! Then we noticed the lights and whooping were coming from some cars that were following us. The cars were black and white and said "P O L I C E” on the side.
We started to wave to them, but then the van did a HUGE jump and we flew out of the back of the van to the side of the road into some dirt, but it didn't really hurt that much. The van drove off without us, and I was really sad. Then Timmy told me the dirt was perfect for making mud pies. I was happy again. We played in the dirt awhile, until some people dressed like firefighters found us and brought us home. And then you asked me what happened. "Isn’t that right mommy?"
What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?
Hot Wheels.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
What did the traffic light 🚦 say? Oh.