Safety jokes
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
When you let the school shooter borrow your pen so he doesn't kill you.
What is the best type of snake? A dead one.
Q: What is a skeleton's favorite color? A: Blue stop signs.
how to kidnap kids
Why do you like cream instead of bugs?
Because bugs can kill you.
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
How do you get a depressed man out of the tree? You cut the rope.
I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.
Why did the blonde run outside naked?
She thought the steam was a gas leak.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
When you hide in the girl's bathroom so the school shooter won't go in there: 😃
When you notice that the school shooter is female: 😟
If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”
Stop sign: If you speed, I'll call your parents.
Orphans: Going 180.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.