Safety jokes
What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?
A seatbelt.
I'm not saying Danielle Smith shouldn't party with oil barons.
I'm just saying that she should carefully watch her drink if she does.
What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.
I started working at the AISH office a few months ago.
I felt like I wasn't fitting in. Then my coworker showed me where the pepper spray and emergency contraception pills were.
Now I feel like I belong.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Q. What's the difference between a Kevlar vest and a CEO?
A. The CEO isn't bulletproof.
Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?
Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?
Why are clips 30 rounds? Because that's the average class size.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?
"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?
Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
Unfortunately, NASCAR has been canceled.
The woke people heard that it was a human traffic ring.
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!