A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
Dont trust atoms they make up everything.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
I saw this little girl crying I asked her where her parents where she cried more man I love working at an orphanage
I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked If I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt and he disappeared. Shame on you Penaldo.
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend "I cheated on you." she replied with "F**k you" I then said "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!
I tour up my homework, but I then replaced it with this copy it may look like it but trust me its diffrenet! The answers ARE RIGHT better than left!
Roses are not always red, Violets are violet, not blue. Irises are never red, Petunias can be kinda blue. What does this tell us 'cept you can't trust a poet to tell the truth.
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
my sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks im irresponsible so i throw it out the window
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you? Your virginity
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there, trust me you won’t regret it
"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
My bff asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?" I said: "Why?" My bff says: "Well its because he was already cheating." I said: "KNEW IT!"
My last relationship ended because my ex girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset, to be honest I didn't like her anyway, she kept telling me I never listen, or something like that
At first I was skeptical, but the universe has really grown on me.
Stop hating on pedophiles. At least they're good babysitters.
