Safety jokes
What is the biggest fear of firefighters?
Burnout at work.
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
Why did the Irishman use three condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Cause he would never look both ways.
There were 5 people on an airplane.
1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world
The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."
"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."
The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.
The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.
The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.
Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"
And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"
Who robs and breaks into people's houses?
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.
Why is the fat man roping himself to the side of a mountain?
So he doesn't roll back down!
I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?
Kid: "THERE'S A SHOOTER IN THE BUILDING!"
Shooter: "Oops."
For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
Why are planes the most dangerous killers?
Because they killed 2,996 people in 10-25 minutes.
Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
Why was the American kid late to school?
Because he was too busy putting on his bulletproof vest.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.