Safety jokes

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.

Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.

I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"

Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"

Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.

Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids.

He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.

Stop hating on pedos. At least they drive slow in school zones.

Condoms? HA! Those are for pussies!

So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.

Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.