By using this site, you agree to its use of cookies. Read more

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident

An amputation

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we’ve ever gotten to an accident site.”

When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then “WHOA-MAN!!”

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man’s wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said: "I have good news and bad news." The wife said: "What’s the good news? “We managed to save his arm.” “What’s the bad news?” “We couldn’t save the rest of him.”

Me and my friend were duck hunting. He shot 5 ducks in one shot. Then he shot by accident and yelled “DUCK!” then “MOTHERDUCKER!”. Then ducks came down and one by one bit him.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Aparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Stephen Hawkins death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.

So a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on; Doctor: “so your wife she is paralyzed from the neck down” and as the doctor goes he says all the things the man must do for her like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says " why, WHY ME!" Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the mans ear and says " I’m just f...in with u she’s DEAD!"

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!" The Doctor replies, “I know, I amputated your arms.”

I was arrest for eating to much crack on accident. How? My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face

last saturday i was at a jewish gathering and i accidently farted. i then said a little gas never hurt anyone. that night i could not sleep

Q: why did sally survive the car accident A: she hit an ambulance

a women wakes up in a hospital after a accident and yells “doctor doctor i cant feel my legs” and the doctor say “i know i amputated your arms”

you where born on the free way you know why because

thats where alot of accidents happen 😈

The reason Stephen Hawkings died is probably because he feel off his wheelchair, and he must’ve pressed shut down by accident.

i love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened but why isn’t anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were! :)

these are all of my terrible jokes

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright but the reception was amazing A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said "I’ll serve you but don’t start anything A dyslexic man walks into a bra Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says "does this taste funny to you, I’m joking of course" Dejamoo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor “I can’t feel my legs” the doctor said " I know, I AMPUTATED YOUR ARMS" I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle What do you call a fish with no eyes, a fsh Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says "dam" A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out of a "small medium at large" A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says "a beer please,and one for the road" Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent YO MAMA SO FAT THAT she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh A priest a rabbi and a cleric walk into a bar, the cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, how far do you think I can kick this bucket A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a p.... A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart Why didn’t Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico What’s green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels WERE A LIE. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck Why couldn’t the dinosaur break the wall, I don’t know. I’m asking you Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker, she has dementia There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It’s an owl it can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey

dad: My kid just said butch but since he is a kid he said a bad word on accident the next day uncle: F*CK

why were you born? because I asked out your mom on accident