Accident jokes
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, I amputated your arms."
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: The highway.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.
What do you call the worst joke ever?
Well, according to my mom, I am.
Stephen Hawking's death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.
A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"
One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."
A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"
"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"
When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.
We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
Q: Why did Sally survive the car accident?
A: She hit an ambulance.
I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
My son said he burnt food on accident, so I told him he was an accident.
Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.