Safety jokes
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.
All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
Person: "Sorry to bother you, but what's the quickest way to get to the hospital?"
Stranger: "Oh, just go stand in the middle of the road!"
Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.
Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."
Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."
*Operator hears a distant gunshot*
Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
Do not ever make fun of people who look like they have no necks. They are fully protected from vampires.
What do you call a school bus driver that keeps going to sleep? A monster.
When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.
Guys, I know this is kinda weird, but everyone who wants to... Put your name and your age in the comment section. Not address though because that would not be good for creepers... Lol I am Lucy and I am 15 years old. What about you guys? :D
Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
What's the good thing about child perverts?
They drive slow in a school zone.
When is a rapist safe around children?
When his plans are oven ready.
I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.