Safety jokes

What's yellow all over and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.

So the fire alarm went off, but as soon as they walked out of the classroom, the only fire they saw was out of a gun.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?

Optimistic.

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

Why do a pedophile love Halloween?

Free delivery.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

Vital information: if you find a stray dog in an alleyway, don't stare at its eyes.

If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀

Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.