Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?
Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone.
The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone!
Billy moved in with 69 pedophiles when he was 8. Many "tears" came across his cheeks.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
Hiiiiiiiii, I said, Man, want candy? Me, YESSSSSS! Me, gets kidnaped.
How do you get 500 drunk TTC people out? "Ah, on fire, a warning shot." "Uhhh sir, it's a M92 mortar." "Ah, just fire the shot!" Please get out before you get triggered from the pool and you have no clothes showing your nono parts. Oh wait, please get out of the pool drunk people. Potato, potatoes, fire ze shot.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
If a person walks off a hundred-foot cliff and halfway down screams, "Why did I do that?" Then a second person walks off the same one-hundred-foot cliff and screams the same verse, "Why did I do that?" Then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line, "Why did I do that," and the next person does the same thing. What do you call that?
(Stupid People)
What’s red and bad for your dental health? A brick.
What’s invisible and bad for you to breathe? Mustard gas.
What’s green and bad for you to drink? Radioactive waste.
What’s long, yellow, and doesn’t float?
A school bus filled with children.
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
Why did the guy get the hose?
Because the girl was smoking hot.
When the school shooter finds you under the table,
"Wonderful weather we're having!"
Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"
Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"
Officer: "Ok!"
*silence*
*explosion*
Stranger: Do you want a lollipop?
Kid: No, I hate lollipops, so yeah, and you are not my daddy.
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
