Safety jokes
Roses are red,
my life is a disaster,
the children are fast,
but the combine is F A S T E R!
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."
What do pedophiles do when they wake up?
Turn on the child safety lock on the car.
What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?
"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"
A fire broke out at the circus, it was intense.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
What does an orphan call a family photo?
A selfie.
Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.
Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?
Because they hate their lives and want to die.
Q: What is a skeleton's favorite color?
A: Blue stop signs.
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!
Why did the kid go in the guy's van?
Answer: He thought he was being adopted.
Why did the blonde run outside naked?
She thought the steam was a gas leak.
I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)
-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!
-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.