Safety jokes

Roses are red.

I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!

Why did the wall fall over?

A drunk driver hit it going 90mph and died.

Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"

Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"

Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"

I gave the blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.

I'm in school shooting. #USA

Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?

Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.

I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."

What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.

What does an orphan call a family photo?

A selfie.

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

A fire broke out at the circus, it was intense.

What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.

Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?

Because they hate their lives and want to die.

Q: What is a skeleton's favorite color?

A: Blue stop signs.

Somebody shouts "Fire!"

Man 1: Get the children out!

Man 2: F*** the children!

Man 3: We don't have time!

Why did the kid go in the guy's van?

Answer: He thought he was being adopted.

Why did the blonde run outside naked?

She thought the steam was a gas leak.

I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)

-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!

-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA