Safety jokes
What does an orphan call a family photo?
A selfie.
Roses are red,
my life is a disaster,
the children are fast,
but the combine is F A S T E R!
What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"
It is not funny about kidnapping.
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
I gave the blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.
Why did the wall fall over?
A drunk driver hit it going 90mph and died.
Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"
Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"
Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"
I'm in school shooting. #USA
Roses are red.
I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!
I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."
A fire broke out at the circus, it was intense.
What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.
Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?
Because they hate their lives and want to die.
Q: What is a skeleton's favorite color?
A: Blue stop signs.
Why did the blonde run outside naked?
She thought the steam was a gas leak.
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!