Safety jokes
Seat belts are like the condom for cars.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
Why can orphans never be kidnapped?
No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."
When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
How old are you...? I don’t give a shit, stfu and get in ma van.
“NO NO NO”
I’ll give you some candy.
“Oh ok🤩”
Is crummy bears alright??
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
What's yellow and can't float?
A school bus full of children.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Chimmy: (smoking because of fireplace)
Chimmy2: You're too young to smoke.
Q: Why did the young boy ask his parents to take him to the Cowboys’ AT&T Stadium during the tornado warning?
A: He said, “There’s never a touchdown there.”
Pedophile: You dropped your candy.
Girl: Thanks!
Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.
Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?
Girl: How far is your house?
Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.
Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?
Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.
Girl:.... Sure! :P
Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
Community talk
I have to protect you.
One moth ago, on November the twenty fifth, I spoke to someone who I could just talk and talk and talk to. And that person could talk and talk and talk back to me. While that person does have a fondness for yapping, something was just different. She could open up to me about things she kept hidden, and I, the same. I felt like I got something from a talking to that person that I didn’t get out of anyone else. And th… Read more
His voice is so angelic. His mind is so perfect. He's so kind. He makes me feel at home. He makes me want to get up in the morning. To get better. He makes me feel safe. He's willing to do anything for me. He compliments me. He always makes me feel better. He doesn't hide me, he's proud of me. He does his best to talk to me. He makes me feel whole. I feel special with him. I felt like I've never felt before. I'm so … Read more