Law Enforcement jokes

What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?

The 6-year-old in the trunk of my car.

What is the difference between a banana and a helicopter? Neither of them is a police officer.

Why do orphans play GTA?

Because they want to feel wanted.

The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"

The police officer in London, who used fake Covid rules to arrest a young woman, drive her more than 50 miles out of London in a hire car, murder her, and do whatever to her, has appealed against his Whole Life tariff.

He should be relieved it was only that! Could've been worse... could've married her!

So a woman walks into a magician's toy store and browses the collection. Among which was a black, phallic-looking object. She brings it to the counter and asks, "what's this?"

The cashier explains that it's a magical dildo that will listen to whatever you say, "fuck me in the ass," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the ass, "fuck me in the pussy," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the pussy, "faster," it'll go faster, "harder," it'll go harder. She bought this magical artifact and went home for a night of fun and pleasure.

After receiving several orgasms from the magical dildo, she'd had enough, and she told it to stop, but it didn't. The dildo continued to penetrate her, it would go harder and faster, but it refused to stop or slow down. In a panic, she ran over to her car and drove to the hospital to get it surgically removed. Her panic made her disregard the traffic rules, and she quickly found herself pulled over by a cop. As she pulled down her window, the cop leaned towards the door and asked "Do you have any idea how fast you were going!?", the woman tried to explain the situation, she told the officer about the magical dildo stuck in her pussy, but the officer didn't believe her, "magical dildo, my ass" he said, and the lady drove home.

Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"

What would you name a detective if he didn't already have a name?

Cassie.

Get it?

How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.

Yo momma's an ICE agent!

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

Yo mama so strict that when Ponyboy told her that Darry hit him, she called the cops on Darry.

What's the difference between taking a shit and the Ottawa police force?

Usually taking a shit only requires one ass wipe!

"Police control! Have you been drinking?"

"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"

"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

I went 80 mph in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screamed, "Am I hallucinating?"

Why don't cows make good policemen?

Because they refuse to go on steak-outs!

What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.

When the police saw your hairline, they gave your barber a breathalyzer test.

My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.

I worry about him sometimes.

I was gonna stop for the cops, but I ran because I was high (the song don't copyright me plz).