Law Enforcement jokes
Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
A pedo is driving down a highway really slowly and gets stopped by the police. The officer asks why he was driving so slowly. The man answers, "I don't wake up the kids."
What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?
Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.
911 what's your emergency?
Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!
Operator: What happened!?
Me: She bit the tip.
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.
Yo momma's an ICE agent!
Why don't cows make good policemen?
Because they refuse to go on steak-outs!
Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
How would Stephen Hawking get rid of the police?
Go to the junkyard.
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
Your dad left you because he went for milk.
*1,000,000 years later*
Her: Dad come back!
Him: FBI open up!
A cop pulled me over and shouted, "Papers!" I shouted, "Scissors!" and drove off.
A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."
I was going from Germany to Austria, and I accidentally crossed the border illegally. When the police caught me, they told me I was a Nazi. I asked them, "Why?" They said I didn't see the border.
Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.