Security jokes

What do I think about the Kennedy assassination?

First of all, he should have had a roof on that car.

I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"

So I was looking through my pictures and I found a picture of a random kid that took a picture of his ugly face. It looked like someone that got hit by a car, then a bus, then a semi.

That’s what I get for not having a password on my iPad.

What did Bob the police officer say to his chest?

"You're under a vest."

Yo mama so old, when she left the antique shop, the alarm went off.

If cops are called pigs, then security guards are piglets.

What do you call a wizard who can't secure a girl? Fumbledore.

What are the similarities between BTC and 9/11? They both crashed down.

One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......

It’s a wood hulem.

When you lock the door, but you realize it's a pull open door!

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?

My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.

I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.

I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.

As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.

Person 1: How the freak did you get in my house?!?! I locked the door!!!

Person 2: But I'm your mom... I have a key. You dumbass.

Why are orphans so scared of the dark?

The dad can't check the closet for them.

ICE and ISIS have similar first syllables. Coincidence? I think not!

What do you call security outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

My Grandpa was supposed to be in 9/11, but airport security got him.