What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore? guardian of the confessional booth
Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
having sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape
what do you do when you get locked outside your house...... you talk to the lock. because communication is key.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm and I asked her what she was doing and she answered "Oh I had to buy you so I don't steal you"
Suicide gives your security for the future. Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day and you can choose to postpone it.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it jokes on her she doesn't have any fingers.
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret and I said, well you never know when you need to pick a lock
I was rooting for Donald trump to be president We havnt had a presidential assassination in a while
When the school shooter breaks into your classroom so you try to say goodbye to your Roblox gf but then the shooter's phone goes off.
If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs Biden can't get it.
Biden: *falls over on steps*
Daughter: I know this is weird but I feel like that someone is watching me when I am sleeping.
Father: Sorry
Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?
A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards
I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self control
hi i am just wondering who went into my account cause i’ve changed my password by the way
Those rape alarms give you a headache don't they?
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices and our ISP is a legilimens.
Q. why did the orphan rob a bank
A. to feel wanted for the first fucking time
