Security jokes

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?

Guardian of the confessional booth.

Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?

Because he was about to kick the cabinet.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

What type of tape do kidnappers use?

Abduct-Tape.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Suicide gives you security for the future.

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...

so Trump can't tweet it.

Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?

A: They don't belong in buildings.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.

I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.

We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.

When the school shooter breaks into your classroom, so you try to say goodbye to your Roblox gf, but then the shooter's phone goes off.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."