If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore? guardian of the confessional booth
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
having sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels
Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm and I asked her what she was doing and she answered "Oh I had to buy you so I don't steal you"
Suicide gives your security for the future. Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day and you can choose to postpone it.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret and I said, well you never know when you need to pick a lock
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
When the school shooter breaks into your classroom, so you try to say goodbye to your Roblox gf, but then the shooter's phone goes off.
I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self control
If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs Biden can't get it.
Biden: *falls over on steps*
Daughter: I know this is weird but I feel like that someone is watching me when I am sleeping.
Father: Sorry
Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?
A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
