By using this site, you agree to its use of cookies. Read more

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.” Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.’”

Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?

He did not have the guts!

The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS’s office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I’m a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I’ll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I’ll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn’t see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that’s not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I’ll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that’s impossible you’ve got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he’s laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what’s wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you’d just love it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

This is a stand-up.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms? Because he told the man to put his hands up

My bank loves me.

They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank? -“I want my quarter back.”

If you think no one cares about you, stop paying your taxes

Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes into a bank, they turn off the cameras.

I used to work at a bank then I lost interest

One day an old women came into the bank and asked me to check her balance… So, i pushed her over.

What do you call a Navajo with a lot of cash?

Johnny cash

Why do you go to the bank. Do get money. When do you Run from the bank. When the cops come.

Why did tube date electricity? Because he would light put when she touched him.

What time the man go to the bank

Eight am

Why did the accountant fell.pff his bicycle? Because he lost his balance