it's jokes

You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

What does Michael Jackson do with his meat? "Just beat it". His song btw lol.

I don't struggle with depression, I'm used to it.

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

Why is it so hard to choose between buying a Subaru or a Volvo? Because you’re deciding whether you want to look like a rapist or a pedophile.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

What did Michael Jackson say to the child sitting on him?

“Just beat it! Just beat it!”

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣

Dark humor is like parents. Not everyone gets it.

Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?

Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.