it's jokes

What did Michael Jackson say to the child sitting on him?

“Just beat it! Just beat it!”

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

When a midget smokes weed, does it get medium?

I don't struggle with depression, I'm used to it.

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

Why did the Japanese NOT shoot down the American plane that was dropping atomic bombs?

From what their eyes saw, it was a piece of rice.

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

What do skeletons hate the most about wind?

Nothing, it goes right through them.

Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."