it's jokes

Your sense of humor is like being a short bus kid: it's retarded.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

FBI wants my penis, can I hide it in you?

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

My father taught me a lesson of sex in a hypothetical way.

My stepmother gave me a lesson [on] how [it] is going inside?

I was in my car listening to my radio. Steve Winwood's song came on, "Just Roll With It, Baby." I said that must be one of Stephen Hawking's favorite songs; he sings it to his girlfriend.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

This ole boy that's locked up called his ole lady and got into it with her, and she said, "Well, fuck you, I don't need you no more anyway. I got 2 or 3 guys out here wanting me and trying to fuck me."

He said, "Well, honey, that's the least of my worries. I got 10 or 12 guys in here tryin' to fuck me."

You're fat. Don't sugar coat it because you would probably eat that, too.

A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."

He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."

He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."

He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"

Why did the blind man get killed? Because he never saw it coming.

Why did Sellwood get named?

It is made of wood that got sold.

The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.

“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”

“From my father,” said Johnny.

“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn’t matter; it won’t come anyway.

What color was the plane after it hit the tower?

It was all black inside (Martin Luther King Junior).

I just want to say this...

You have NO maidens, (Explosion) No homies, (ExPlOsIoN) And no—please don’t say it! Rizz 😎 (EXPLOSION)

Did you hear they’re making an Elmo toy to appeal to the Tourette’s crowd?

I believe it’s called the “Tic Me Elmo.”

What time is it when you get home, can you walk walk home and walk walk home to get a car? I love you, you're the night!

It's true, you know. Stephen Hawking has been up more ramps than Evel Knievel.

Bob, why are you kicking the kids?

What, it's not like they have a home to go to.