Flat Jokes

Anonymous stranger
in Sadness

What does a rock and a girl have in common? The flat ones get skipped

8
OP boss
in Difference

What’s the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

1
Anonymous

roses are red violets are black why is your chest as flat as your back

Anonymous
in Music

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

1
President Lincoln

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!

7
smartass

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, “I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” . Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.” “Oh no?” the mom asks. “No,” says the little boy, “When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and sheblows his belly up again!”

Anonymous
in Music

What did music tell the pancakes? – B flat.

Heathens-Outcasts
in Puns

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor

Billy
in Dirtiness

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped

well-crafted p....
in Puns

Flat Earthers

1
Sheeeeeeeeesshhh

What does a perverted frog say? Rub it

Why don’t witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom

What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped

What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender

Anonymous
in Music

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major

Weirdo.

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: “Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we’ll be happy forever in heaven, eventually.”

little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor

Death&Decay

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin

Anonymous
in Cow

What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.

Deez Nutz
in Meat

What’s a hairdressers favorite roast? Flat iron roast

Bri

What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool

-a baby with flat armbands-

0
Anonymous
in Girl

why are girls and rocks so alike? if there flat they get skipped.

Why is a wet pavement like playing music?

If you don’t C sharp you’ll B flat.

unrealnoodles

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. “I have something to confess,” said the shy wife. The husband then said, “Whatever it is, I will still love.” The wife then said "Honey, I flat chested. The husband said, “It’s okay, I’m a baby down there anyways.” He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex. The next day, the wife said “I thought you were a baby down there.” The husband then said “I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds.”…

0