Crucifixion jokes
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
Jesus was being hung up on the cross, and me and all the other people at the bottom of the hill were watching. Jesus cries out,
"Peter, Peter come to me!"
So I climb up the hill on my hands and knees, and when I reach the top, the Romans cut off my arms and chuck me back down the hill.
"Peter, Peter come to me!" cries Jesus once more. I stumble up the hill, then the Romans cut my legs off and threw me back down. For the third time, Jesus cries,
"Peter, Peter come to me!". So I wriggle up the hill, and I guess the Romans pitied me and let me through.
"Look Peter, I can see my house from here!"
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
What’s the difference between Jesus and a prostitute?
The look they give you while you’re nailing them.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
The picture gets hung with one nail, not two.
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"
What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?
"Feet! Feet!"
Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a plank of wood?
A plank of wood can take nails to the extremities without screaming.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, you idiot. He got nailed before he died!
Jesus was a carpenter who got nailed to a piece of wood.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?
The picture only takes one nail to hang.
What was Jesus's favorite food?
Answer: Snails
Did Jesus cut his nails?
No! His nails cut through him.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They'll fall right through his hands.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
You only need 1 nail to hang a painting!
Why can't Jesus play hockey?
He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."