Hygiene jokes

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.

What happens when there's ten people in one house and they all have to shit and there's one bathroom?

It's a motherfucking shitshow party!

You lost 30 lbs when you joined Weight Watchers, and lost another 10 lbs when they shaved your back.

Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?

A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!

Lady: "Can I lick your balls?"

Me: "Ummmmm, ok?"

Lady: *grabs ball sack and licks my balls*

Me: "I'm gonna have to clean these now!"

Lady: "Let me do that."

Me: "No, thank you! I have to use these baseballs for practice!"

Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?

So he could make a clean getaway!

A: What's the difference between a toilet and a washing basin?

B: I don't know.

A: Then I guess your house looks beautiful...

B: ...

"Look, Ma! I peed in the pool!"

What do bubbles get when they’re sick?

The suds.

Yo mama so smelly, she’s even banned from the perfume store!

Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.

What is the difference between a hipster and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers.

How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

With a taste test.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.

What did the poop say to the toilet paper? “You’re on a roll!”

What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?

Beets stain your teeth.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?

To get to the rear end.

"Number 15: Burger King foot lettuce. The last thing you want in your Burger King burger is someone's foot fungus, but as it turns out, that might be what you get."