Healthcare jokes
I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
I am still trying to figure out why paying the COVID doctors a compliment is so offensive. They even kicked me out, and all I said was to stay positive...
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.
Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Depression medicine and therapy.
GO AWAY!
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
Why do they have air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?
Because of Hispanic attacks.
What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?
The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.