Health jokes
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
What do you call it when a gay guy farts?
An abortion.
A Thai woman ran into a wall. What does she break?
Her boner.
My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.
Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
What’s a vegetable’s favorite dance?
The cabbage patch.
What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.
(Extra Cholesterol)
I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
Her: "Land of the free".
Me: *fat*
Her: What do you mean?
Me: It's not fat-free.
What kind of cold flu do the Japanese get? The Koflu.