Health jokes
Last year, I got kicked out of the Hospital for telling COVID patients to stay positive!
The CCP should be pleased. COVID is the longest thing to have ever been made in China.
I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.
My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.
Then I waited for the results.
A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it! 😌
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
Why do orphans die so much?
'Cause MJ said "she got COVID-19."
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
I went to an emo kid who just got a haircut, and instead of saying, "Like your cut, G," I slapped his arm and said, "I like your cuts, G."
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
With great depression comes great antidepressants.
I am thinking of removing my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What do you give a pig when it has a rash?
Oinkment.
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
A man walks into a bar.
He had to have 13 stitches!
When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”