Health jokes
I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.
I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.
When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.
When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!
What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?
I personally think cereal is not nutritious.
Why did the man put himself on fire?
To BURN Calories.
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
Memes
salad
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.
Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.
Me: Oh, I already tried that.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
If there is a guy in a wheelchair and he is a bully, say, "I’m still standing."
I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.
He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.
*I have seizures*
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?
To put the wheelchair in the pot.
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.