Health jokes

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?

Why did the dick go insane?

Someone kept messing with his head.

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

What do you call it when a gay guy farts?

An abortion.

What’s a vegetable’s favorite dance?

The cabbage patch.

What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.

(Extra Cholesterol)

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?

They are more open-minded.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?

A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.

What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.

A Thai woman ran into a wall. What does she break?

Her boner.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.