Rectal thermometer jokes

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

In death, what is the only organ in a woman's body to remain warm?

My dick.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.