Health jokes
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"
What's breakdancing, twitching, and noisy?
A child with epilepsy.
I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...
But then I changed my mind.
A man walks into a bar... Oww!
Yo mama so fat when the doctor saw her weight on the scale he said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
salad
I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.
My grief counselor died.
He was so good, I don’t even care! 😂😂😂
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
Life's like a box of chocolates. Doesn't last long for fat people.
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
What do orgasms and pulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics, and she said I had to eat more vegetables.
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
Why is the orange 🍊 the fastest fruit?
Because it never runs out of juice.
"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.
Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?
Q: What do you call deaf Magic Johnson?
A: Hearing Aids.
Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
It was because of a face-off in the corner.
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer, why?
Doctor: What are the chances?
Patient: Of what?