Health jokes

When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."

What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have schizophrenia, Here's hoping you do too.

Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.

Why is a priest different from acne?

Acne waits to come on your face.

Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.

What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?

Nothing, they both fell.

A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."

Knock knock. Who's there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast.

During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?

Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

What do you call someone who wants to jump off a building?

Cause they want to become Super Man.

Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.

What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.