Health jokes
What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?
To put the wheelchair in the pot.
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.
(Extra Cholesterol)
Why do Mexicans take Xanax?
Because they’re Hispanic attacks.
Memes
salad
What do orgasms and pulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
What's the difference between milk and a cancer patient?
There's none, they both don't age well.
Q. What do you call a person with Alzheimer's?
It doesn't matter. They'll forget what you said in thirty seconds anyway.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics, and she said I had to eat more vegetables.
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.
Why is the orange 🍊 the fastest fruit?
Because it never runs out of juice.
Q. What's the difference between an Alzheimer's patient and a tomato? A. A tomato isn't a vegetable.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
Me: Hey friend!
Friend: Yes?
Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.
Friend: Touch.
Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)
Friend: Grass.
Me: And you get?
Friend: Touch grass.
Q: What do you call deaf Magic Johnson?
A: Hearing Aids.
My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.