Health jokes
My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.
Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?
A: He was in a mid-life crisis.
Q: Why are medication pills white?
A: Because they work.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
Why are you so white?
Because you have no lotion on.
They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.
Knock, knock. Who's there? An armless person. Why? They got stumped on why they contacted you.
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"
A man walks into a bar... Oww!
I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.
I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything had to be perfect...but not for long.
What do you get if you eat sugar?
High.
That one teacher that flips on and off the light switch to get the students' attention... that one kid with epilepsy...
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.
“Those are just contractions.”
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics, and she said I had to eat more vegetables.
Why is the orange 🍊 the fastest fruit?
Because it never runs out of juice.
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.