Health jokes
One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
Imagine there's a funny joke here... imagined it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you're schizophrenic.
I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
Youch
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
How do you flatten curves?
With an abortion.
It ain't always having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.
What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?
A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.
There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!
What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?
Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...
What’s the most positive thing in Africa?
Their HIV test.
What do you call an anorexic person with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
I feel sad because I went to an old man in a wheelchair while he was sitting next to a fire, and I screamed, "Hot Wheels!" 🤣
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
Little Jonny just came back from quarantine with his girlfriend, Sally.
They both said they had to go to the bathroom. When they came back, Sally was coughing up a storm. The teacher said, "You need to be quarantined again."
"No," Sally said, "I was just in the bathroom choking on something that grown-ups, especially women, like." Then the teacher faints.
You're so skinny, starving Ethiopians offer you food!
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Me: Knock, knock.
Another person (OP): OP: Who's there? Me: Hatch. OP: Hatch who? Me: Bless you =) OP: But I didn't sneeze. Me: You just don't get a joke, do you?