Health jokes
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
COVID is like fashion...
We started hearing about it in Italy...
Became popular in LA and NYC...
Florida ignored it...
And it was all made in China in the end.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
Them: What's on your arm?
Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)
Memes
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.
Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.
Me: Oh, I already tried that.
Why do Mexicans take Xanax?
Because they’re Hispanic attacks.
What do orgasms and pulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics, and she said I had to eat more vegetables.
Why is the orange 🍊 the fastest fruit?
Because it never runs out of juice.
"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
It was because of a face-off in the corner.
One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
Why is a priest different from acne?
Acne waits to come on your face.
A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."