Health jokes

I'm stumped.

How does the skeleton call his friends? With a tele-bone.

And the winner of the Tour de France is awarded, as ever, with the yellow jersey.

To remind him what color his piss is meant to be.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

What do you get if you eat sugar?

High.

I have OCD and ADD, so everything had to be perfect...but not for long.

That one teacher that flips on and off the light switch to get the students' attention... that one kid with epilepsy...

Knock, knock. Who's there? An armless person. Why? They got stumped on why they contacted you.

They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.

What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?

I personally think cereal is not nutritious.

How do you knockout an unorthodox blue tooth?

You get a good connection.

Why did the man put himself on fire?

To BURN Calories.

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.

I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

How do you get a depressed person to jump?

Put them on a bridge.

Yo mama so fat when the doctor saw her weight on the scale he said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"

I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.

Why can't people in Africa have medicine?

Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.