Scale jokes

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

Your momma so fat, when she stepped on the weighing scales, her phone number came up!

Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."

A pedophile is chatting on the internet: "On a scale of one to ten, how old are you?"

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

On a scale of 1-10, how old was Michael Jackson’s last boyfriend?

Why are fish easy to measure?

Because they bring their own scales.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?

One day, the fat kid came up to me and asked me, "What's cracking?" The floorboards, you idiot. You're causing a 9.7 Richter scale earthquake and asking ME what's cracking. It would be best if you looked down for a second.

Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

Yo mama so fat, her cheeks are in different time zones.

Yo mama so fat that she broke the scale when she put one foot on it.