Scale jokes

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

When you went to McDonald's and sat down, you were so fat, they said, "TBC."

What's a rapist's favorite scale?

C Minor.

Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"

You're so fat, when you went on the weighing scale, it said "to be continued."

Yo mama is so fat we need to use yo papa!

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

Yo mama is so fat that she stepped on the scale and it says, "Hey fat b****, break your fat a** in half so you won't weigh as much!"

Teacher: How much is a gram?

Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need.

Your mom is so fat that when she stood on a scale, it said, "We need an actual person, not an elephant!"

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”