Diet jokes
When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'
I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys...
Huh, I don’t recall ever eating a monkey!
Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
You're fat. Don't sugar coat it because you would probably eat that, too.
What do you call a gay man that is not a vegetarian?
A cocksucker.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
Yo mama so fat, she needs 500,000 calories a day to keep her fueled.
Why can't Asians play cricket?
Because they will eat the ball.
Fat bully. That was just the starter, now do you want the main course?
Me: I don't think I want that because you already ate it.
What’s the worst part about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair.
What's a shark's favorite sandwich? Peanut butter and jellyfish!
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
I got barred from Weight Watchers today.
It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.
You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
"I only eat food on the right of my plate."
"Are you good at eating?"
"I'm alright at eating."
My dad said I need to eat more. I don't know why, but his fat ass needs to stop eating.
Your mum's so fat that when she goes to KFC, they run out of stock of chicken.
What do rabbits eat for breakfast? IHOP.