Health jokes
How do you flatten curves?
With an abortion.
What's the difference between a priest and a zit?
A: One waits until you're twelve to cum on your face.
How do people with hydrocephalus wear standard-size helmets?
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...
His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Taco Bell makes you crappy.
Cancer, it's just funny, hahaha.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
What do you call an abortion in a bathtub?
Chunky Tomato Soup.
What is a fat boy's favorite karate move?
A pork chop.
I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reali-tea.
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.