Health jokes

Why did the carrot roll down the hill?

Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

A: Throw in some laundry.

What if your Corona test is neutral?

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

What zodiac sign has no hair?

Cancer.

Why is the orange so blind? Because it needs to take Vitamin C!

How do you cure a ginger?

Chemotherapy.

Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?

Because their dad never came back with milk.

Why was the man running around his bed?

Because he needed to catch up on his sleep!

Cancer is like a video game.

Some people cannot beat it.

What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?

"I C D K"

You know what I see?

DICK

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."

So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"