Health jokes
Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the really bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
Why is the orange so blind? Because it needs to take Vitamin C!
Cancer is like a video game.
Some people cannot beat it.
What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
What is the German word for constipation? Farfrompoopin.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
I'm hertophobic -
aka I'm allergic to all straight guys.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?
A cannibal went to the dietitian, and he got told to eat more vegetables, so he ate a disabled person.
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
-You have to be alive to have autism.
What do you call getting gonorrhea from a disabled person?
A slow clap.