Health jokes
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
How do you cure a ginger?
Chemotherapy.
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
What zodiac sign has no hair?
Cancer.
Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?
Because their dad never came back with milk.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What if your Corona test is neutral?
Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the really bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
Why is the orange so blind? Because it needs to take Vitamin C!
What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.
Cancer is like a video game.
Some people cannot beat it.
What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.
A cannibal went to the dietitian, and he got told to eat more vegetables, so he ate a disabled person.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."