Health jokes

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

Why did the orphan try to get hurt?

Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.

He looks around, no one is there.

Two cows are grazing in a field.

One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

Every zodiac sign has a different hairstyle except Cancer.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

What is the only place fat people live?

Obi-city.

Why do orphans hate health ed at school?

Their parents can't opt them out of it.

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

I don't think I'm allergic to this.

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.