Health jokes
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?
Non-buy dairy.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
Memes
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?
"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.
I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."
What’s someone with AIDS' favorite Taylor Swift song?
"Baby, now we got bad blood."
Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user?
Fast food.
What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?
None of them are straight.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.