Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Health Jokes
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?
A chill pill.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.
"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.
"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.
What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
Why did the carrot roll down the hill?
Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.
