Health jokes

Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

Why did the orphan try to get hurt?

Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.

He looks around, no one is there.

Two cows are grazing in a field.

One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

Every zodiac sign has a different hairstyle except Cancer.

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

I don't think I'm allergic to this.

A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.

Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.

Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.

What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.