My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.
We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.
The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.
"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.
"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Why did the carrot roll down the hill?
Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.
