Health jokes
How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.
What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?
None of them are straight.
What’s someone with AIDS' favorite Taylor Swift song?
"Baby, now we got bad blood."
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user?
Fast food.
What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
Why do orphans hate health ed at school?
Their parents can't opt them out of it.
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.
We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.
You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.
I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨