Health jokes
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.
Memes
What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?
"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)
What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?
Non-buy dairy.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
How do you describe a redhead with bad teeth?
Gingervitus.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't wanna say this, but I have the flu.
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.