Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.
The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.
"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.
"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Why did the carrot roll down the hill?
Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
Why is the orange so blind? Because it needs to take Vitamin C!
How do you cure a ginger?
Chemotherapy.
Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?
Because their dad never came back with milk.
